Female Gaze (short story)

What do the women of Gilead see? A short story (and contest entry!) on WATTPAD, inspired by Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale...

Winner of Playing For Keeps

Thank you so much to those who entered my raffle/contest... thank you for entering in the first place, and then thank you again for your generosity. Really. You all rock.

I will be writing to each of you to find out where you each want your good-luck origami crane to be sent -- you may also pick out a preferred color and if you want the crane to have a small string for hanging.

And, in a new development, the winner will be getting a SIGNED copy of PFK! This will slightly delay shipping, since I'll be having the book sent to Mur first, and then she'll ship it forward from there, but I think we can all agree that this is a delay for a very good purpose.

So, congratulations to ADAM LOYAL! (Dude. Great name.) The random number generator has smiled upon you, and I will email you shortly to confirm your delivery preferences (and, who you want the book signed to!).

Even if you didn't enter, I still say you should get your butt over to Hub Magazine to listen to Mur's novella, Marco and the Red Granny: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7. I mean, come on, the story has a sweet little old lady who's the winner of a deadly, bloody, lunar reality show. Do you like this photo?

'Cause she ain't got nothin' on the Red Granny. Yeah. Go listen to the story. You'll be glad you did.

LAST DAY to enter my raffle. New prizes!

Yes, I called it a contest when I first posted about it, but since I'm asking for donations (IN ANY AMOUNT) as a requirement to enter, I guess it's more like a raffle.

So. Have you listened to The Best Story You're Not Listening To yet? Why the hell not? I mean, honestly, what is wrong with you people? Mur Lafferty is a podcasting goddess, the editor of Escape Pod, and she's giving her kick-ass fiction away for FREE -- AGAIN -- and you can't download her latest novella for your iPod? I... I don't think I want to know you anymore.

But seriously.

I'm adding a new prize to my raffle/contest. ANYONE who donates ANY AMOUNT for Mur's awesome novella Marco and The Red Granny will not only be entered to win a hard copy of her superhero novel, Playing For Keeps, but will also receive a hand-folded origami crane in the mail, crafted by yours truly.

The donation requirement can be fulfilled by donating on Hub Magazine's website (they are the original publishers of the audio novella), OR by going to Mur's page to donate, OR by buying an e-version of the novella on Amazon or Smashwords. Then send me a copy of your purchase/donations receipt to carriekei [at] gmail [dot] com. Also send an address if you want your origami crane. (And if you like, I can string the crane for you so it can hang as a holiday ornament.)

your crane may vary

The crane is a symbol of peace, happiness, and eternal youth. Start your new year off right. Donate ANY AMOUNT to an amazing writer who gives so much away, and get a little peace & happiness in return (I make no promises about the youth). Plus get a chance to win a great book. Plus you should be listening to this novella for free even if you don't donate, because it's awesome.

Whaddya say?

The best story you're not listening to. (And a CONTEST. Or is it a raffle?)

Mur Lafferty's Marco and the Red Granny is an utter delight. Imagine a world where aliens have revolutionized art by combining the senses, such that wearing a certain suit can make you taste strawberries, or sipping a certain drink can put an entire Sherlock Holmes story into your head. Imagine a frustrated writer-artist who finally gets his chance to go to the moon and produce his art under an alien patronage. Imagine that his only friend is a little old lady who is the winner of a deadly reality television show.

Get the free audio podcast through Hub Magazine's iTunes feed (it's 7 episodes, but episode 4 is in there twice due to technical issues), or directly from the Hub website: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7. Read the story for free at Mur's website, or buy the Kindle version, or buy it on Smashwords.

So here's the contest/raffle: the audio version is running on a donation system, and there's also a donations button on Mur's website. If you send me your receipt for a donation IN ANY AMOUNT to Hub Magazine for Mur's story, or to Mur's own website for the story (you may also get free goodies for donating to her directly, depending on the amount), or if you send me a receipt showing you purchased an electronic version of the story, I will enter you in my contest to win a copy of Mur's superhero novel, Playing For Keeps, which is also awesome. I know the holidays are upon us, and y'all are busy, so I'll keep the contest open until Monday, January 3rd, midnight EST. After that, I pick a name at random, and someone gets a book.

I've written before about the Total Awesome that is Mur, especially her I Should Be Writing podcast (for which I am the show notes writer), but I don't know that I've talked about her fiction before. I should have. She has a number of podcast novels, plus at least one of her novels was given away for free as a PDF as part of her podcast feed... she writes great stuff and gives it away for free, y'all.

Go listen to a great story. Then send the author some cash for her talent and hard work, IN ANY AMOUNT, and you might get another great story, for free. You can email those receipts to carriekei [at] gmail [dot] com.

Published Author: Ask Him Anything! (guest blog #4, with CONTEST!)

"Vivid and accurate prose, a gripping, imaginative story, a terrifically inventive setting, a hard-bitten, indestructible hero, and an intelligent, fully adult heroine -- We haven't had a science-fiction novel like this for a long time."
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Last Monday, you heard from my best childhood friend, Sarah, on the perils of loving a writer. Today, you get to ASK THAT WRITER ANYTHING! Felix Gilman will tell you his background himself, but you should know that he's British, so that you can imagine this post read aloud to you with the driest of Jeremy-Irons-esque accents.

Hello, all. I’m Felix Gilman, and this is a guest post while Carrie’s in wherever. [France! Back next week. -ed.] My own blog is at felixgilman.com/wordpress and gets updated essentially never. [Which is why he's written more books than I have. -ed.] I’m the author of two novels published by Bantam: Thunderer and Gears of the City. My third book, The Half-Made World, will be published by Tor in October. About a week ago I finished a fourth book, and my agent sold it to Tor. That one doesn’t have a title yet. These are what you might call fantasies, or secondary-world fantasies, if you prefer. Thunderer was billed on the hardcover version as a “High Fantasy,” which with hindsight was probably a mistake: it makes people think of Dwarves and Elves, which I don’t care for. [These novels are in fact in urban settings! The New Yorker in me loves this immensely. -ed.] Later it got described as New Weird. I don’t exactly know what that means. [Felix also has a short story in a collection called The New Weird, edited by Ann & Jeff VanderMeer, and I read it, and I don't know what it means, either. -ed.]

The Half-Made World gets described as steampunk. I don’t know exactly what that means, either. But everything has to be called something. People ask, and I say, I don’t know, just books. But that doesn’t work, they keep asking. There has to be an answer. Whereof we cannot speak, we cannot market. Anyway, I suppose all this means I’m in early-mid-career as a writer.

"Career" -- probably the ugliest word in the English language.

So far I’ve got by on blind luck and also not caring all that much if it doesn’t work out. Also, everything I’ve published so far was written or begun or at least substantially committed to before my first book was published. Now, for the first time, I’m planning out a new book with some sense of the shape of the market and my place in it and where I might want to be in five years’ time and where I might actually realistically expect to be... It’s a very different experience. There are things to balance that I’m not sure really can be balanced.

I suppose I don’t really have a point here. Does anyone have any questions about publishing or my views on writing after a couple of books? Boy, have I have got some vague and unsatisfying and potentially inaccurate half-answers for you.

Also there should be a contest. A copy of my first two books to (1) the best cute animal YouTube posted in comments; (2) the best song posted in comments, according to my own arbitrary tastes; (3) any person who proposes a workable and cost-effective solution to the Deepwater Horizon leak.

Please note that the video below is the most recent one sent to me by Felix, so the standard for cute/funny animal YouTube is HIGH, y'all.

I'm keeping this contest open until the end of next week, July 9th at midnight EST, to give the first contest some time to settle before the winner of this one is announced. TWO BOOKS! Enter now!

Writing About Real People (guest blog #2, with CONTEST!)

BIO: Audrey Beth Stein is the author of the memoir Map, which was a finalist for a Lambda Literary Award (the Oscars of queer books). She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from Emerson College and is a two-time national prizewinner in the David Dornstein Memorial Short Story Contest. She teaches memoir and novel development at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education. Direct links to order Map can be found at http://map.audreybethstein.com.

GIVEAWAY: Audrey will be giving away one copy of Map to a lucky blog reader chosen at random. Enter by commenting on this post by July 2nd, midnight EST. (That's BEFORE the long weekend, people. I'll announce the winner when I get back on July 6th.) Anyone who intelligently references and links content from Audrey’s websites (start browsing at http://map.audreybethstein.com or http://audreybethstein.com) in one of their comments will be entered twice. Fine print: Winner must be at least 14 years old and must provide a U.S. mailing address upon being chosen or an alternate winner will be selected.

PERSONAL STATEMENT: Audrey's memoir made me cry. The same chapter that caused her mom to cry (in a good way!) when she read it, in fact. It's really a great piece of writing, and I highly recommend it. Now... onto the guest post!

------------------

When I teach writing classes, whether memoir or novel development, invariably someone asks about the legal ramifications of writing about real people. I worried about the legal stuff myself for quite a while, and then someone pointed out that here in the United States anyone can sue you for anything. Even if you’re completely in the right and have documented proof, it’s the mere existence of a lawsuit that wreaks havoc and drains resources. I’d also read somewhere that a lot of times when people sue doctors for malpractice, what they really want is an acknowledgement of hurt, and an apology. So I made a decision to concentration on the moral issues in writing about real people, and let fate handle the rest.

Our writing has consequences—often good, sometimes harmful. Not writing has its own consequences. There are some people who argue art above all, but I disagree. We are human beings first, living in the world and in community with other people. Our art grows out of that, out of the relationship between our self and the world we inhabit. And thus I believe we have dual loyalties.

Do whatever you need to do to get the story out, I tell my students. Lock up the manuscript, give yourself permission to burn the pages later, write in secret in the middle of the night, eat lots of chocolate, whatever. You owe yourself the space to explore and express your truth, to get it onto the page without anyone’s censors. If you’re not doing that, what kind of artist are you? But once it’s out, I say, and you are ready to share it with others, then you have a responsibility to consider the potential impact of your words. If your story is going to drive a reader one step closer to suicide, cause a family rift, or tarnish someone’s character, you don’t escape responsibility by hiding under terms like “artist” or “truth.”

It’s not for me to make anyone else’s decisions—I wrestle enough with my own—but I advocate for those decisions to be made thoughtfully, maturely, bravely, with respect and kindness for ourselves and for the others who will be touched by our stories in many different ways. Here are a few resources you might find helpful as you do so: The Courage to Write by Ralph S. Keyes; “Peering at Privacy in Creative Nonfiction” by Kaylene Johnson (in the September 2004 issue of The Writer’s Chronicle); and the memoir Half the House by Richard Hoffman.

In the case of my own memoir, Map, I rewrote scenes with minor characters over and over until my writing group saw my own vulnerabilities coming through rather than the hurtful descriptions I’d camouflaged them with. Over a period of nine-and-a-half years and sixteen revisions, I reached out to each of the main characters with an offer to read the manuscript. “Tyler” helped clarify facts and reminded me of a couple of events that were important to include. My parents confirmed that I’d captured the coming out scenes accurately. “A.J.” sent a vote of confidence and encouraged me to tell even more. “Jake,” reading the final draft, thanked me for bringing back some good memories. It took me a long time, though, to get in touch with one major character--my first love, “Catrina”--and even though I had changed names and identifying details, even though I had written from truth and revised with care, I was nervous. What would she say? Would she--my biggest fear, dubious in retrospect, stemming from my twenty-one-year-old insecurities--ask me not to publish, and what would I do if she did?

(This is the point where I refer you to Map for the rest of the story. Isn’t shameless self-promotion the point of a guest blog?)

Amazingly, when it came to writing my (as-yet-unpublished) novel, the decisions were in some ways even harder. Memoir is at least straightforward—you’re either writing about someone or you aren’t. But fiction? Where characters inspired by real people or amalgams of real people transform into fully-realized fictional entities? Where you use this made-up stuff to get at the truth of your life and the lives around you?

I was terrified I’d hurt my mom. And I was terrified that my fear of hurting her would stunt my own growth.

In order to find the book I needed to write, to delve deep enough to reach the emotional truth, to use my words to help me understand my family, I gave myself permission to work on the novel for an entire decade and still destroy the results at the end.

I certainly couldn’t have made such a pact if this was my first book, or if I didn’t already have a failed novel under my belt. And I knew the odds of me actually turning a manuscript into garden compost after so long were rather slim. But it gave me the room I needed for the next eight years of writing. The room my characters needed to become whole. The room my novel needed to become about much more than its beginnings.

I still don’t want to hurt my mom. But I’ve grown enough through these eight years to be ready to have the conversations, and now that I’ve found my own voice in the family through this novel, I want to hear hers in response. Is the book done? I don’t know. After she’s read it, I might know. I might have more to say.

How do you navigate responsibility to your writing and to the people around you? How do you get the hard stuff onto the page? When and how do you share it? What compromises have you made, and is there anything you’d do differently next time?

Winner!

Forty-five people entered, with 204 total entries. The random number generator picked:

EMPTY REFRIGERATOR!!!!

Interestingly enough, I ran the random number generator twice, first based on the total number of entries and then again based on the total number of people who entered (because, you know, it's a fun little program) and it picked E.R. both times. Freaky.

Thank you so much to everyone who entered! I hope you find me amusing and stick around...

CONTEST and random photo

Told ya.

Okay, everyone, this is the LAST DAY to enter my contest! For those who might be new here because a fellow blogger or Twitterer sent you over: I'm Carrie, a recovering attorney / former child actor / mom of a three-year-old who wrote a women's lit novel. Feel free to check out my writing online, and see what work I did as an actress. I'm two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. That about covers it.

Okay! Here is a recap of the contest details:

What are the rules? Well, this one's gonna be easy. No genre-blending, worst first lines, or flash fiction writing requirements. This time, I'm going for the followers. You know how it goes: you get points for following me on this blog and/or on Twitter, extra points for referring people directly and/or for passing on word about my contest on your own blog or Twitter account. I'll put the specific details at the bottom of the post.

What's the occasion? On April 15th (TOMORROW), it will be the one-year anniversary of the day I sent out my first-ever query letter for my novel.

What's the prize? I will be giving away a copy of Steve Almond's amazing self-published chapbook, This Won't Take But A Minute, Honey. Thirty flash fiction stories on one side, then you flip the book over and get thirty short essays on the craft of writing on the other side. The stories are good, no question... but these essays, people, are GENIUS. It's an MFA program in the palm of your hand. You need this book. I will ALSO be giving away my amazing secret fudge recipe, which has only ever been shared with winners of charity auctions and/or my blog contests.

Please also note that the book that I'm giving away has been SIGNED by the author. He doesn't know your name, but he knows what you need to hear, and he inscribed it just for you.

RULES:

• You must comment on THE CONTEST blog post to be entered. That gets you +1 point.
• You get +2 points for being a blog follower.
• You get +1 point for having commented on my blog at any point before today. (I wanted to reward those who've been with me for a while, but was afraid I'd lose track of which people are new blog followers and which are already following as of this writing. So, I'm rewarding participation instead.)
• You get +1 point for following me on Twitter.
• You get +1 point if you've retweeted me or my blog at any point before today.
• You get +1 point for Tweeting about this contest/retweeting this post.
• You get +2 points for blogging about this contest.
• You get +1 point if someone writes in their comment that YOU are the reason they found out about this blog/contest. (Please do give credit if you were referred here by someone! It doesn't lower your chances that much, really.) You can get unlimited extra points this way.
• You can obviously un-follow me again at the close of the contest, but I'm really quite amusing, and I'm sure you'll want to stick around.

And you don't need to provide links as proof -- just tell me how many points you get and how you calculated it when you post your comment. I will check up on the winner to make sure that person's points were all honestly claimed; if I find out you didn't really earn one of the points that you said you did, you will be disqualified, and I'll pick another winner.

Please, please, go blog & tweet and all that good stuff.

Querying Anniversary Contest!

Photo by darkewolf

It's been a while since I did a contest, hasn't it? It's time for another one.

What are the rules? Well, this one's gonna be easy. No genre-blending, worst first lines, or flash fiction writing requirements. This time, I'm going for the followers. You know how it goes: you get points for following me on this blog and/or on Twitter, extra points for referring people directly and/or for passing on word about my contest on your own blog or Twitter account. I'll put the specific details at the bottom of the post.

What's the occasion? On April 15th, it will be the one-year anniversary of the day I sent out my first-ever query letter for my novel.

What's the prize? I'm so glad you asked! I will be giving away a copy of Steve Almond's amazing self-published chapbook, This Won't Take But A Minute, Honey. Thirty flash fiction stories on one side, then you flip the book over and get thirty short essays on the craft of writing on the other side. The stories are good, no question... but these essays, people, are GENIUS. It's an MFA program in the palm of your hand. You need this book.

Even better, the copy that I'm giving away has been SIGNED by the author. He doesn't know your name, but he knows what you need to hear, and he inscribed it just for you.

The contest starts NOW, and will close at midnight on April 14th so that I can pick and announce a winner on April 15th. Each point gets you one entry into the contest, yadda yadda.

RULES:

• You must comment on THIS blog post to be entered. That gets you +1 point.
• You get +2 points for being a blog follower.
• You get +1 point for having commented on my blog at any point before today. (I wanted to reward those who've been with me for a while, but was afraid I'd lose track of which people are new blog followers and which are already following as of this writing. So, I'm rewarding participation instead.)
• You get +1 point for following me on Twitter.
• You get +1 point if you've retweeted me or my blog at any point before today.
• You get +1 point for Tweeting about this contest/retweeting this post.
• You get +2 points for blogging about this contest.
• You get +1 point if someone writes in their comment that YOU are the reason they found out about this blog/contest. (Please do give credit if you were referred here by someone! It doesn't lower your chances that much, really.)
• You can obviously un-follow me again at the close of the contest, but I'm really quite amusing, and I'm sure you'll want to stick around.

So! That means new followers can get EIGHT possible entries, and loyal followers can get as many as TEN entries.* Sounds pretty good, right? Plus, if I get enough new Twitter & blog followers, I'll post a link to something amusing and embarrassing online. I have 140 blog followers and 96 Twitter followers as of this moment. Any suggestions for what my target numbers should be? (Don't say 150 and 100. Smartass.)

And you don't need to provide links as proof -- just tell me how many points you get and how you calculated it when you post your comment. I will check up on the winner to make sure that person's points were all honestly claimed; if I find out you didn't really earn one of the points that you said you did, you will be disqualified, and I'll pick another winner.

Let the games begin!

* Update: duh! The number of points you can get is actually unlimited because you get a point for EACH referral, not just one point for all referrals combined. Go to it!

Drumroll, please

Sorry about my failure to post this on Friday, everyone. I was sick. Linda-Blair-in-Exorcist sick.

I'm better now.

And, finally, for the winner of the September Fiction contest:

It's a tie!
Congratulations to Reesha and Jordan!!!

They are truly genre-blending geniuses.

Jordan has brought us children's male ennui picture books:

And then the sad, lonely bunny said, "They're all a bunch of phonies." And hopped away to take his medication.

And Reesha will surely write the first Southern Gothic Medical Murder Mystery ("like Flannery O'Connor meets NCIS").

"He might be mental, but he's still the best on the team we have." She remembered these words just before breaking down the door of the house, as if her memory was trying to warn her with a bad omen.

Rose-water wafted out to her, reminding Betsy of a funeral home and her grandma's at the same time. She squeezed the handle of her gun, swiveled around a corner and yelled "Clear!" Brad rushed past her in swift military fashion into the next doorway. Looking around, she noticed everything was floral or dusty pink. She heard Brad discharge his firearm.

"Red is such a lovely color." he said from the next room. Curious and confused as to what he could possibly be doing when a killer could be around the next corner, she cautiously approached. She smelled the blood before she saw it.

Brad was bending over a small pool of fresh blood, his hands covered in it. He pressed his palms down on the floor until the blood covered his knuckles, then held them up, dripping.

"You caught me red handed." He laughed.

Betsy was about to scream until he stood up, revealing that he had only shot the cat. He gently stroked her cheek, leaving a smear of red on it.

"This is your first time seeing something get shot, isn't it?" Being new to the force, she wasn't sure what to do and was frightened of her superior.

"Well then. It's only natural you should blush. Darn thing nearly startled me to death."

He wiped his hands on his dark pants and proceeded with the operation, leaving Betsy alone in the room with the dead thing, a horrified look on her face and two red half-moons of blood on her cheeks.

Plus, think of the licensing potential. I see a new Law & Order spin-off in the making!

Okay, we'll be back to our regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow. Hope you all had a great weekend, and congrats again to our creative winners, who will be getting a yummy fudge recipe via email, and thank you to everyone who entered the contest!

Contest? Oh, RIGHT, the contest...

I completely flaked on you guys, didn't I? I threw up my genre-blending contest on the first Friday of September, and I never told you what the prizes would be, and I never told you when the contest would be closed...

BAD BLOGGER!

Sorry.

Okay, y'all get one more day to enter. And the prize will once again be my coveted fudge recipe.

And then next month I'm going to do a poll or something else instead, because I apparently can't keep up with even the simplest blogging responsibilities...

Enter my Genre-Blending Contest here

First Friday Fiction Contest... #3!

Welcome to the First Friday of September, and welcome to my third monthly fiction contest. You have a week to enter, and I'll announce this month's prize on Monday or Tuesday.

For people new to my blog, July was Flash Fiction (winner here). August was a Worst First Line Contest (entries in comments, winner here). And September brings you:

GENRE BLENDING!

Regular guest blogger Lauren over at Pimp My Novel has brought us Amish Vampire fiction and a Hitler Romance. What do you think hasn't been brought to the market yet, but totally should be? Steampunk YA mystery romances? Horror pop-up books? Autobiographical fan fiction? (For example, did you know that author Felix Gilman went to Hogwarts? Click his biography -- refresh the page repeatedly if necessary, because it changes -- and you'll see proof.)

I've already called dibs on zombie chick lit. What's your big new idea? Extra points go to any entries providing sample sentences from their chosen genre.

This is my last day of auto-posts. See you next week, everyone!

Winner of the Worst First Line Contest Revealed

In the end, we had 19 valid entries for the Worst First Line Contest... not enough for me to take a picture of myself standing on my head for your amusement. I get it. You all just respect me too much to want me to embarrass myself. I appreciate your concern.

My husband reviewed all entries this weekend, and picked the following first-line dud as the winner:

It was (and it wasn't, but that's a different story altogether).

Congratulation to Lisa P. for the sentence that would cause my husband to laugh, then put the book down and walk away. You will be receiving your prize fudge recipe by email shortly.

And thank you to everyone else for playing. Thank you so much, I was laughing all week at your awesomely bad entries.

So, what's on tap for this week? More ranting about chick lit, I suspect (my previous ranting can be found here), since I just discovered yet another "chick lit is dead" article, plus our dear friend at Pimp My Novel is planning to include chick lit/women's fiction among his Genre-Specific Book Sales Round-Up posts this week.

I also hope to write another post about the writing/life balancing act (parenting edition), and maybe something about querying.

Speaking of querying, nothing has changed in my querying status since I last mentioned it nearly two months ago. Writers, how about you? What's your current writing status? Are you editing or creating something new? Waiting for responses to queries? Got an agent already and are waiting for something to come back on the publishing side of things? If you're not a fiction writer like many of my readers, what other things are you up to? Blogging? Non-fiction articles? Let's find out what we like to write and what stage we're at...

Last chance for the contest, and an amusing challenge

You have until MIDNIGHT TONIGHT* to post up to THREE ENTRIES in this month's fiction contest. I'm looking for "worst first lines." Give me something terrible, people. Your reward will be the admiration of your peers, plus a rockin' fudge recipe. Check out the contest post and other entries in the comments, HERE.

I have to go find my law school transcript for a job application now. Please go enter the contest! It will make me oh-so-happy. Tell your friends! I only have 13 entries right now. I tell you what... if I get a total of 25 entries or more, I will post a self-portrait of myself standing on my head. That's right, I will have to figure out some way to stand on my head while simultaneously taking a photo of myself. Help me hustle up some more worst first lines, and I will embarrass myself just for you.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

* To my Aussie, Kiwi, and other international readers, don't worry about the time change, I'll figure it out. Midnight your time is cool.

You may already be a winner!

Assuming, that is, that you've already entered this month's fiction contest. (Go ahead. Check it out. You can come back right after.)

I've decided that this month's prize will be my coveted fudge recipe, which I won at my law school's charity auction, and which must only be passed on to people who prove their worthiness by buying it at other charity auctions, or by winning a contest. I'm serious about this. Don't hand it off to just ANYONE if you're the lucky winner.

Oh, and if you're vegan, I'll come up with a backup prize for you, just let me know.

Why have I chosen this prize? Well, last month's prize had a cool tie-in to my novel, but apparently my postal carrier hates me, because even though I sent it out weeks ago to the July winner, it was just returned to me because the stamps apparently fell off, and I'm going to have to resend it (sorry, Katie!!!), and so I figured this month I'd pick something that I could just email. Grrr.

You have until midnight Friday to submit no more than three worst first lines of your own creation. I will choose a handful of my favorites, and let my husband pick the winner.

And, just so that we have something to talk about in the comments today... are there any lines from actual published novels that stick out in your mind as being particularly bad? Please share!

First Friday Fiction Contest!

Nooooooooo!!!!

Yes, it's once again the first Friday of the month, so we're having another fiction contest! This month, I'm looking for a WORST FIRST LINE.

Don't think this is going to be easy, people. Don't think "It was a dark and stormy night" is going to cut it. First of all, Madeleine L'Engle redeemed that line by using it to start her novel A Wrinkle in Time. Second, the reason that line is considered to be so famously bad is because it is the start (just the start, mind you) of a novel called Paul Clifford by English novelist Edward George Bullwer-Lytton:

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

Ouch. Now that's bad.

Think you've got what it takes to be terrible? Post in the comments!

And don't forget to check out the "winners" of the Bullwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which annually honors a previously unpublished worst first line. The grand prize winners are so awful that they occasionally approach the sublime...

"Ace, watch your head!" hissed Wanda urgently, yet somehow provocatively, through red, full, sensuous lips, but he couldn't you know, since nobody can actually watch more than part of his nose or a little cheek or lips if he really tries, but he appreciated her warning.

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.

Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.

No more than three entries, please. You have ONE WEEK to submit your entry, and I will announce the prize next week, after I figure out what it is. To ensure objectivity, I will narrow the entries down to the worst 5 or so, then let my husband pick the winner. He knows bad writing when he sees it...

Other contests, serendipity and self-congratulation.

Okay, you know how yesterday I announced Katie as the winner of my flash fiction contest? Well, today Katie has announced me as the winner of her best first line contest. Woo-hoo! Go check out her blog to see a little picture & bio of me, along with my winning first sentence. I actually am quite proud of it!

Please also note that I picked Katie as the winner of my contest on Friday morning, and Katie had impartial judges pick the winner of her contest a full day after that, so there was no nepotism at all, just a really big coincidence.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled blogging. My first in a series of posts on the genre of chick lit can be found below.

Winner!

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who entered my flash fiction contest. It was a joy to read all of the entries, and I hope you had a little fun as well.

And now, congratulations to Katie Ganshert, who is this month's winner! My decision was made late Friday morning, based on the following categories:

• Adherence to the rules (we had one disqualification for length)
• The arbitrary, capricious, whimsical, ruthless, and hopelessly unfair application of Carrie Standards
  

Katie has chosen the "Money, money, money" envelope as her prize. You can learn a little more about her by visiting her homepage, or by checking out her writing blog, Brain Throw Up.

And I really hope you will all play again, starting on the first Friday of next month. Something shorter next time, I promise.

And now, I hope you will enjoy a little bit of Katie's fiction, and swing by her blog to say hi afterwards!

AN UNWANTED GIFT

by Katie Ganshert

A small, velvet box with a delicate red and green bow sat like a looming thundercloud beneath the tree, wringing Lola Crinsby’s salivary glands until her mouth flooded with tangy spittle. She swallowed, fists clenched, eyes darting between the gift and the door, as if unsure what defense mechanism to embrace. Fight or Flight.

Before she could decide, James entered the room, feet clad in the slippers she bought him three Christmases ago. They’d morphed into a muted gray, swaddling the tip of his protruding big toe in fuzzy, worn out fabric. He carried a newspaper in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other, steam swirling up from the top and disappearing in front of his face, like some sort of ethereal, magician’s trick.

Her pulse thrummed against her eardrums. Why did James have to ruin the comfortable routine they’d established over the course of their long-distance relationship? Prickly heat simmered up her chest and singed her cheeks. Was he really just going to spring marriage on her without eliciting her thoughts on the matter? When had she ever eluded to the fact that she might want to walk down an aisle in fluffy white lace and say, I do?

James tapped her on the head with his paper, kissed her cheek, and plopped down on the sofa. “Merry Christmas. Did you just get here?”

She eyed the door. Her car was still warm from the three hour drive. She could be in the cab of her Honda Accord, careening back to Detroit before he had the chance to unroll his paper, much less pop such a ludicrous question.

“Lola? Is something wrong?”

She jabbed her hip with one of her balled up fists, flung her other hand toward the tree, and glared at him like an angry mother. Fight. She would fight. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that?”

James blinked, mouth open, eyebrows pinched into a frown. She held her pose, waiting for him to acknowledge his foolishness. He brought one leg onto the cushion and twisted his upper half toward the Christmas tree, the couch springs squealing their protests. She stared at the back of his blonde head, her chest heaving like a barreling train engine.

A booming vibrato saturated the living room, popping the tension ballooning inside her chest with needled confusion. Her hand fell to her side. Her scowl melted off her face.

“What’s so funny?”

James turned back around and slapped his knee, a grin stretched wide across his face. “Relax, babe. This is Christmas, not Neverland. And that’s a bracelet for my mother. Not an engagement ring.”

All the heat invading Lola’s cheeks melted away, oozing down her neck, deflating the panic-stricken air soaking her lungs. She slipped off her boots, eased a smile onto her face, joined James on the sofa, and slid beneath his burly arm. “Well, Merry Christmas, then.”

Once again, that's Katie Ganshert at Brain Throw Up.

Contest Closed!

Thank you to everyone who entered!!! I will be reading your flash fiction this weekend, and posting the name of the winner on Monday. I will post the winner's story in a dedicated blog post once I have confirmed which link (if any) the winner would like to have used in association with the story -- promote your own blog, or whatever else strikes your fancy.

I know this was a contest that required a decent amount of effort, so I really am so grateful to everyone who played along. Next month I'll try to have a contest that involves less of a time commitment... six-word fiction? Worst first line contest? Come back in August and find out.

And, I'm open to suggestions, if you want to post in the comments.

Last reminder.

Click HERE to learn more. Winner gets the story published on this blog, with a link of his or her choice, and will also receive some cool handmade stationery. Entries will be read with any and all identifying information crossed out, to avoid bias.