Friday, August 7, 2009

First Friday Fiction Contest!

Nooooooooo!!!!

Yes, it's once again the first Friday of the month, so we're having another fiction contest! This month, I'm looking for a WORST FIRST LINE.

Don't think this is going to be easy, people. Don't think "It was a dark and stormy night" is going to cut it. First of all, Madeleine L'Engle redeemed that line by using it to start her novel A Wrinkle in Time. Second, the reason that line is considered to be so famously bad is because it is the start (just the start, mind you) of a novel called Paul Clifford by English novelist Edward George Bullwer-Lytton:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
Ouch. Now that's bad.

Think you've got what it takes to be terrible? Post in the comments!

And don't forget to check out the "winners" of the Bullwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which annually honors a previously unpublished worst first line. The grand prize winners are so awful that they occasionally approach the sublime...
"Ace, watch your head!" hissed Wanda urgently, yet somehow provocatively, through red, full, sensuous lips, but he couldn't you know, since nobody can actually watch more than part of his nose or a little cheek or lips if he really tries, but he appreciated her warning.
They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.
Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.
No more than three entries, please. You have ONE WEEK to submit your entry, and I will announce the prize next week, after I figure out what it is. To ensure objectivity, I will narrow the entries down to the worst 5 or so, then let my husband pick the winner. He knows bad writing when he sees it...

27 comments:

  1. Once upon a time, in a land far away, across the valleys and over the rainbow, lived a princess who was in search of the worlds greatest prince so they could get married and live happily ever after - where in begins our story.

    What? Those lines have all been used before? Crap! Ok let me think and try again :)

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  2. You're on the right track! "Wherein begins our story" has the same falling-flat quality as the dreadful parenthetical shown above, "for it is in London that our scene lies."

    Marybeth is clearly bringing it! Who's up next?

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  3. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (ok, so it was just down the street and around the bend), there lived an old hermit by the name of Old Phil (who, incidently, wasn't named Phil at all), his mean old dog, Jake, and a mysterious figure whose identity we shall discover...momentarily.

    Wow. This sounds so bad to me I don't really want to post it!

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  4. This sounds like a fun idea. I wish I still had my first novel saved on my computer but I lost all that. I'll bet its first line was a doozy.

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  5. Somewhere in the darkness of that cold, gusty November night on the seacoast of Maine, a young librarian turned once more to the tales of fantasy, heroism and love that lined the bowing shelves of the bookcases that made up the majority of the furniture in her tiny apartment - all she could afford on her librarian's salary, after all - and it occurred to her, however briefly, to entertain the thought that danced across her mind: did she spend too much time in the world of fantasy, and not enough in the harsh light of reality?

    --Lisa P. (once again difficulty posting as other than anonymous...)

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  6. Oh I get it. First Friday, as in first Friday of the month, not first in a series. I will for sure be coming back to read other people's entries, even if I can't turn off my mental editor long enough to write and submit an awful first line.

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  7. Oh, I am sure I can find some stella examples of bad first lines. I will be back.... :)

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  8. This is hilarious! I won't be entering but I'll be back to check them out. LOL!
    btw, I love that painting.

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  9. My entry:

    An hour into the start of the Star Trek Convention and Allison's cell phone wouldn't stop ringing from overexcited fellow convention goers distracting her from the memorabilia auction and giving her the first reason to regret sharing it here, in spite of the gushing compliments for her daring barely costume, and providing perfect cover for a stalker.

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  10. Count Ormond's long blonde hair swept majectically from his cold evil blue eyes as he stormed determinedly down the halls of his haunted manor.

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  11. "Look!" said someone, and they pointed at an exciting thing that had just happened.

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  12. CLIPCLOP CLIPCLOP clipclop clipclop went Cowboy Dan's horse as it decelerated into an empty parking spot out front of the Last Chance Saloon.

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  13. The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to that one episode of Friends where Ross or maybe that other guy who IRL I think he had vicodin issues gets a monkey.

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  14. I am ready, she thought to herself (to herself is important because she had been known, on occasion, to think to her best friend Nathan), and launched her compact frame into a spin that put shame to clothes dryers in laundromats all over Manhattan.

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  15. It was (and it wasn't, but that's a different story altogether).

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  16. Lord, these are all terrible. Hooray!

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  17. "100 bottles of beer on the wall." Sang sally as she would drive and wind, winding down, down down the mountain pass, past loose falling rocks and jagged edged caramel colored jewel toned brilliant sunshine.

    :)

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  18. "Oy, vey," said the rabbi as he snipped the baby boy's junk.

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  19. I looked deep into his stormy eyes, across his stubbled G.I Joe jaw, down at his eager lips and realized, I should really twitter about this.

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  20. Chapter 1

    Dan realized he was the last human being left alive at about the same time he tripped over metal pipe and toppled off the building, plummeting 18 stories to his death.

    The End.

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  21. Ideas were falling like snowflakes all around Daisy Mae; melting on the floor like raindrops.

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  22. Somewhere in the frigid, lonely ice caves of Antarctica, a hungry wolf howled my name.

    (Hey, you asked for three! I could do this all day and thoroughly entertain myself. Something to look forward to in the nursing home!!!)

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  23. Okay, these two had me laughing out loud:

    "Look!" said someone, and they pointed at an exciting thing that had just happened.

    and

    "Oy, vey," said the rabbi as he snipped the baby boy's junk.

    Seriously, halarious.

    My entry:
    She put white, minty, smooth toothpaste on her red, shiny, cool toothbrush slowly and calmly, then put the toothbrush in her mouth happily, but before she brushed her teeth she washed her face with cold - no, kind of warm - water that felt hot, but she didn't have a towel so she used her red, big shirt to wipe her face, so her shirt got wet with a big wet spot so then instead of brushing her teeth, she actually had to do the laundry, and she only put one thing in the washer angrily, which was her shirt - the red, big one, and decided that was a waste of water, so that's why she shut off the water when she brushed her teeth and that's when her basement caught on fire because of the fuze on the washer that didn't work good and that's where our story begins - with a house fire that killed five people and a dog, but not the woman who brushed her teeth, because she started the fire and in case you don't already somewhat know this already, she's sort of, kind of a bad woman.

    I have no idea where that came from...but wow, I'm capapble of some pretty horrendous stuff.

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  24. Greg went to the park, then he went home again.

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  25. Cassandra pressed her face into her own heaving bossom.

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  26. I was going to write something like:

    The blackened dark dampness of the oppressingly moody and angry deepness of the night wrapped around him like the velvety smoothness of a handsome cloak.

    However after scrolling through the posts I realized that Kate not only wrote it, but took it a step beyond. I humbly step down and give her my vote for best worstness. ^^

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